from the second step
written by blynda purdy
If you hang around on my second step the first Saturday night of most months you will have a bird’s eye view of one of my favorite events— Family Dinner. It’s loud with laughter and conversation, little ones running around and babies sometimes fussing while ice clinks in glasses and pots and pans simmer on the stove… It’s loosely organized chaos, and I love it! If you asked me I’d tell you that this tradition started 4 years ago, and that’s true in its current format (though the night of the week has changed over different seasons). However, truly the foundation for these happenings was laid long ago…
From the early days of our marriage Don and I were both committed to the practice of eating a meal together at least once a day whenever possible (he traveled for years making some days impossible…). It might be breakfast on Saturday morning, lunch out on Sundays after church or a weekday evening meal. Before we had our first baby our favorite meal was “loaded nachos” eaten around our coffee table sitting on the floor— those memories are some of our most cherished in that season! We are fully convinced that some of our very best parenting happened at the dinner table while our kids were growing up. People often asked us during our kids’ teen years how we formed such close family bonds— one of the best things we shared in creating those relationships was that we made it a priority to have meals together. When our kids were teens and had jobs and busy schedules we decided that one meal a day together would be tricky to pull off consistently, so we instituted “Sunday Lunch”. This fell in the “not optional” category for our kids, meaning they had to find ways to work around their schedules to be there if at all possible. I’m sure there were days when they would have rather been somewhere else, but now I hear them sharing and laughing about this family requirement with fondness.
In this time when we see such breakdown of the family and marriage maybe this could provide some form of antidote, a simple solution (simple does not mean easy) to commit to in our hectic, screen-focused lives… What would it look like for families in every size and shape and condition to carve out time and commit to just having a meal together with no screens or distractions?? It could be paradigm-shifting and restorative in ways hard to imagine. For some it may seem impossible— if that’s you then start with just one meal and be satisfied with whomever you can get there! I believe this practice of family meal time is crucial to a family’s identity— it gives each member a regular, consistent time to be reminded that they have a place, that they belong, that conversation face to face is significant and that laughter is good medicine. It also provides a safe atmosphere for difficult conversations, gentle rebukes and teachable moments. We even found it a wonderful proving ground for our kids’ friendships and dating relationships over the years. We laughed that Zach, Jessica’s husband, might very well be “the one” after surviving a Friday night dinner where laughter and conversation lasted for a couple of hours after the meal was done… He not only survived it, but he jumped right in!! He actually chose a future family meal night as the night he proposed to her (though that part happened more in private, bless his heart!).
So you see, Family Dinner isn’t just 4 years old… for us it’s timeless. These days with 4 kids, their spouses and the delightful little ones that have been added to the gang (5 as of this writing) one night a month is a reasonable, attainable goal! And even then, attendance is optional because now they each have their own families to prioritize. But you know what??? Almost everyone is here almost every time… I hope it’s partly because they enjoy the food (it’s one of the only times I cook all month LOL), but I know the real reason— it’s the connecting, the laughing, the sharing of lives and hurts and joys… it beckons us!
In closing I must share that my favorite moments of Family Dinner actually occur after everyone heads to their respective homes… that’s when I clean and do dishes and put everything back in it’s place. It’s not because I am a neat freak!! That time in my kitchen is just the space I need to think through all the moments from the evening: the conversations, the laughter and maybe even some tears or frustrations that were shared or conflicts that occurred and were hopefully resolved. I ponder them and tuck them away for enjoying throughout the weeks until we are together again… I have come to treasure those times and find that choosing to reflect and remember gives way to feelings of gratitude and thankfulness.
I am thankful for you— those who take the time to read these pondering of ours. Please know that I am praying for each of you— that in the craziness of your calendars or the hurts and losses you may have experienced in your families you will find the courage to start with one meal… and let it grow from there!
till next time
-Blynda